The TRANSFORMATION that has occurred within the past year boggles my mind.
Lately I have been learning to be confident. To put my faith and trust so strongly in God and in the abilities He has given me. To walk in the freedom He brings. But it’s not always easy.
I have always been so fearful of having PRIDE that I never wanted to be confident in anything. Pride can cause you to stumble. Pride can cause arrogance. Pride can blind you. Those are traits I’ve never wanted.
And yet looking back, I still had pride. I had secrets. Things I didn’t want people to know. So caught up in what people thought of me or caring about my image, more than just being a kid and having fun. Especially being afraid to lift my hands during worship, in fear of who may see.
I always tried to play it cool. I never knew if a crush or potential crush was paying attention to me, so I definitely didn’t want to do anything silly or stupid. But trust me, trying to play it cool and being self-conscious of everything I did became exhausting. It was a cycle of seeking the approval of others. “Did I do well? Is this good? Is that good?” Those were questions I always had. I wanted affirmation in everything I did.
I would always base my opinions upon the opinions of others. Whether reading a Facebook post, or simply having a conversation with someone, I would continually change my mind on issues based on the last person I spoke to.
I struggled for years, even to the point of not talking to people much, thinking they couldn’t possibly want to talk to me. A feeling would come over me that I would just be annoying them, so I wouldn’t talk to them at all.
But you know, that is no way to live. There came a point when I loved God and people so much, I began to see things differently. Most of the issues all came from the wrong PERSPECTIVE. But my perspective changed. Even if people didn’t want to talk to me, so what? And I actually find that most people do like talking to me.
I finally decided I didn’t want to live being afraid of what people think of me. Or afraid of making mistakes. You have to throw yourself out there. Be vulnerable. Be who God created you to be. If people don’t like it, that’s their problem, not yours.
Knowing that God loves me, means I no longer have to seek the approval of others. Only His. When I strive to please Him, everything else falls into place. You can’t please everybody. And honestly it’s pretty hard to please yourself as well. I’m often judgmental of my own work. I disassemble the words and works I have done during the day, putting them under a microscope, scrutinizing every detail. That has gotten better as well.
But it amazes me at how much things have changed in just the past year. I could write endless posts pertaining to all of the things in my life that have been transformed. It just goes to show, when God heals, He heals everything. When we truly encounter Him, we will be forever changed.