He Knows Me


He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my deepest secrets. The caverns of my soul I don’t even consciously know about. He knows my pain. He knows my guilt. My shame. He knows my joy. He knows my longing. He knows my heart’s desires. 

In the very realm of reality, I know this all to be true. And yet tonight, even as I’m worshiping and praying, reading His word, I can’t help but feel something. I don’t know what this is. This feeling. It is both terrifying, and wonderful. Sorrowful and joyful. 

But I know one thing. I find myself longing. Longing for Him. Longing to be more like Him. Longing to hurt for what hurts Him, and rejoicing over what He rejoices over. Longing to do His will. Wanting to please Him with everything that I am. 

I know from past experiences there are moments like this, and I truly Hope it is not just an emotional experience. I truly hope in moments like these, where my heart is fertile soil, that He will sow in me what He will. And in doing so, it would grow and be nourished to fruition.

In this moment, I feel that there is something I am called to do, whether I’m already doing it, or maybe have yet to do. But for all of us, there is always more. There is always more we can do, more we can accomplish for Him. 

As we draw closer to Him, He draws closer to us. And in doing so, we can please Him in a purer form. 

 After a weekend of little sleep, and feeling under the weather, I find myself staying Home tonight, in this moment. It’s so crazy how it’s the moments when you feel weak, He makes you strong. He certainly moves in mysterious ways.

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Reality

Finally. Finally. I am finally coming to a place I have wanted to be at for a long time. A place where I’m comfortable with myself and the people around me. A place where I love God, and love others as I love myself. A place where I don’t question if people say what they mean. A place where I feel loved, not because I hear it more often, but because I don’t question the sincerity behind those three words. When I hear it I simply believe it. I accept it. I cherish it.

Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s never been more true to me. I always see things more clearly after they’ve gone.

I now see that the reason I had a season of time that I no longer felt love was not because love was absent, but because I simply didn’t believe it was there. I heard it all the time, but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t accept it, therefore, it did not exist to me.

When I feel lonely, again, it’s not because I don’t have friends, but because I don’t believe I have friends. And that’s shocking to me. How can something exist and you not believe that it does?

Why do we watch television? Why do we have video games, novels, music, anything to take us out of the reality we’re living? We do to escape reality, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it’s a good thing to forget your problems, if only for a short time. If there is to be a problem, it will come when we stay out of reality for too long.

We shouldn’t downplay the troubles of the world, for if we “Bury our heads in the sand”, nothing will be done to combat them.

What is reality? Well, google puts it like this: “Reality, the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.” Simple right? It’s simply the world as it really exists. Not what we want it to be, or what we work for it to be. It is what it is, really. We shouldn’t downplay the troubles of the world, for if we “Bury our heads in the sand”, nothing will be done to combat them.

Growing up, there were things I didn’t believe, or accept, even though they were fact. Why is that? Only for the fact that I didn’t like it. I didn’t like reality, so I made up my own reality. It could have been anything, from not listening to my parents in what was best for me, all the way to not watching the news because I couldn’t bear to acknowledge the evil in the world. I still believe in seeing the good in the world, but have come to realize you cannot find a solution until you acknowledge there is a problem. And of course, it wasn’t something that was a major part of my life, but it was there. What kid doesn’t daydream, or live oblivious to so many things?

I suppose that’s what happens when you grow up, or at least it should be. We find out so many things that, as a child, we couldn’t understand, or could even care less about. As we grow, we should mature. We should obtain wisdom, and as Christians, we should be continually drawing closer to Christ. And as we do, we must allow Him to continually change us into being more and more like Him.

So just as I have learned so so much just in the past couple of years, about God, about myself, and about others, I cannot wait for the mysteries that await to be unearthed. The questions to be answered. The life to be lived.

 

Friends, Frenemies, and Foes

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I never seemed to have many friends growing up, at least that were my age. I guess it was simply because I was hardly around anybody my age. The church I grew up in during my tween and teen years was a pretty small church with mostly adults. While I didn’t have many, there was always a friend around right when I needed one, whether it be a friend from that small church, a neighbor, or a family member.

Now, roughly five years later, and I feel like I have all kinds of friends. People at church. People I hang out with. It’s nice to feel like I have friends, but the funny thing is, I’ve only felt like I had friends within the past few months. Why, you ask? I don’t really know, to be honest.

Perhaps it was my definition of a friend. See, for me, a friend has always been someone you can confide in. Someone who can confide in you. You both know and trust each other well enough that it won’t go any further than that. A friend is also someone I believe that you can be honest with. It’s when you’re not afraid to tell them how it is, and vice versa.

So judging from this stand point, I haven’t really had any friends. Save one or two. There just haven’t been many people I have truly felt like they were a friend. But, I now believe there are different levels of friendships, and that’s where I made the error of assuming I had no friends. Perhaps in reality, I did indeed have friends, but I didn’t think of them that way.

It’s so crazy how much I have changed, and looking back, there are so many things that I thought incorrectly. But it was more than not thinking I didn’t have friends, besides the definition from above.

I simply didn’t believe that I was wanted. I didn’t think that anybody really wanted me around, and that they were simply ‘Putting up with me’. I now see that the issue was caused not by what I believed to be true, but from insecurity. I was so insecure that I didn’t believe I was really worth the time of day, or that anybody cared about what I had to say, or do. It seems silly now to think about it. But at the time, it was a very lonely place.

But still, even now, I’m still asking the question, “Do I really have friends”? I truly believe that I do have friends, that I always have. But while being insecure and going too extreme to say I had no friends, I’m afraid I have gone too far in the opposite direction. Perhaps there are people I consider friends, that are actually not.

How can I tell if someone is a friend? How can I tell if someone is an enemy? And how can I tell if someone is something in-between?

I don’t really know. When I was insecure, I never wanted to make the mistake of assuming that someone was a friend, when they wasn’t. Now, I find myself asking, “Are there people I assume are my friends, when they really aren’t”? I really don’t know. I would like to think they’re all my friends. That I’m genuinely wanted around. That if I wasn’t there, if I moved away or quit hanging out, that they would miss me. I don’t know, perhaps there is still some insecurity left.

There’s another part of me, that doesn’t care. The part that knows I am wanted and loved by God, and He is all that I need. That I would rather have a few good friends, than a lot of fake ones.

I really don’t know if there are people who don’t like me, or just put up with me. If so, that’s okay. It doesn’t really matter. If I have foes, that’s okay too. If I have frenemies, people who are somewhere in-between, that’s fine as well.

In the end, I am called to love people, even if they don’t love me back. That’s what real love is anyway right? Loving without expecting or needing it to be reciprocated, or needing anything in return. And if I have enemies out there, if God is for me, who can be against me?

Maybe it’s best, not to live life trying to please people, trying to fit in, trying not to make enemies. It’s when you simply be yourself, that you will be happiest, and you can’t please everybody. In pleasing one, you’ll offend another. That’s why it’s better to please and serve God, rather than man.

 

Respect

 


Just thinking about climbing a mountain, gives me such a respectful fear of how mighty it is, and how treacherous it can be.

Respect. What a forgotten concept in today’s world. With so many opinions expressed, and ideology debated, it appears that no has any respect for anyone. People don’t filter what they say before they say it. They don’t think about the consequences their words have on others.

The first amendment gives us freedom of speech, but how many of us abuse that privilege? Words have such power, and yet they’re so often tossed into the wind without thinking where they will go or end up, or who they will affect.

Many have lost respect for authority. Just turn on the news, and you’ll see people saying unthinkable things about law enforcement. Having no respect for what they do for us or the authority they represent. News flash. Police officers are people too. Crazy right? And for them to go out day after day and put their lives on the line to make this world a better place, is amazing. They’re just trying to make a living, and make it home alive at the end of the day. So to despise, disrespect, and even hate such people astonishes me.

People don’t respect each others opinions or beliefs. We all have a right to believe what we want to believe. If someone doesn’t agree with me, that’s their right. If I don’t agree with them, I have that right. Since when do you have to agree with someone to care about them? Why do people become angry if someone opposes them? Opposition is good. It builds character. It makes you stronger. You don’t just want everything handed to you, do you?

Where’s the respect for parents? For teachers? For any authoritative figures at all? Perhaps we can’t. Perhaps we can’t respect authority because we as a society have lost respect for God. We throw His name around willy-nilly. We don’t see Him as the sovereign, holy one that He is. We just see Him as an idea, or a ‘Guy who sits in the clouds.’

Perhaps we can’t respect God or anybody else for that matter, because we don’t respect ourselves. The definition of self-respect is this: pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity. If you don’t care enough about yourself, you won’t care about anyone else. You can’t care about anyone else.

What was that second commandment Jesus gave? ‘Love your neighbor as yourself?’ How can you love your neighbor as He said while forgetting the second half of the passage, ‘as yourself?’ We have got to get back to a place where we as a church and a nation Respect God and His authority. Where we respect the authority of our leaders. And where we respect ourselves and our fellow-man.