Taking Care of Busyness

I know…it has been awhile since my last post. Life has been crazy, and I simply haven’t gotten around to the blog. Today I will share a few updates, what’s new, and what some hopes are for the future. To be honest though, it has been a pretty tough time, physically, mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually. It has been truly difficult to balance everything. I suppose most people are good at it, but I am not. For me, I start taking care of one thing, only to let the other things suffer. Spiritual life going great? Awesome! But while that’s going on, I’m neglecting my health, then that starts to suffer. It’s crazy to think how hard it is to have a nice balance in taking care of everything. With the introduction out-of-the-way, here are some updates.

I’m going to college! Which is both exciting and crazy! I’ve been enjoying it for the most part, but it’s adding to my workload, which means I have to really learn to manage my time. And as mentioned above, I really need to work on. This first semester has flown by. I did end up missing a couple of weeks due to sickness, which put me behind. I’m almost caught up now though. I’ve also been getting some hours in at the grill on campus. So everything is going pretty well all in all. While this all may seem like no big deal to some, we’re talking about someone who used to not like going through drive-thrus, or answer the telephone, because of social anxieties. Those anxieties were only for a season though. Growing up I never had a problem with that. It was only during my later teenage years those issues arose. The Lord has brought me so far!

But alas, it can’t be all good things, can it? For there is some things that seem to be doing worse. While I’m still learning about living life, I find it difficult to remain focused spiritually. It’s easy to spend time with God when you don’t have so many things going on. It really has to become intentional when you are so busy. It may not seem busy compared to others, but for me, I’m the busiest I have ever been. Throw in still trying to maintain proper diet, exercise, and not to mention keeping up with ministry, and that’s a full schedule. They just never tell you how much responsiblity being an adult really is. Everyone says enjoy being a kid while you can, but you never realize why until it’s over. I just hope and pray that I can stay rooted and grounded while being busy, that I don’t get too busy for the One that really matters.

Please do not take me wrong, I know how writing about a subject can make it seem exaggerated and bigger than it really is. I’m enjoying all of this journey. And I cannot wait to see where the Lord takes me. It’s just that in all of this, I’m learning to prioritize. It’s very important how and what we spend our time on. We’re only given so much, and I don’t want to waste any of it. Love y’all!!

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Unresolved But Hopeful

In life, one can often become distracted. We tend to become so focused on things that have little to no real value. Things that are trifle, and things that don’t help our souls in any way.

Sometimes we can become so fixated on our selfs, our circumstances, our inadequacies, that we forget to whom we belong.

I came to the realization, that I’ve allowed things spoken about me, lies I’ve believed about myself, and a form of pride I thought wasn’t pride, to affect me in a very negative way. I allowed offense to affect me more than I ever thought it would.

Things I had thought I had dealt with, in all reality, were only temporarily resolved, and yet the roots remained.

How did I get to such a place? Surely not all at once, but little by little. A chip here, a chip there, until great damage was done. There are many wounds, and most of them self-afflicted.

Perhaps it’s simply a case of looking too much at myself. If I was truly keeping my eyes on Jesus, maybe I wouldn’t have to come this place.

I just want to Love God, and love people. I want to be confident and not prideful. I want to be sure of who I am in Him, and in the abilities He has given me. Those are my goals. That’s what I want to strive for. And hopefully with His help, I can attain that.

I’m tired of making excuses. I’m tired of being offended by others and especially myself. I’m tired of listening to the lies of the enemy. I’m ready to make a change. I’m ready to walk in the freedom and goodness that God wants us all to walk in. To live a life always hopeful, prayerful, and pleasing to the Lord.

Friends, Frenemies, and Foes

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I never seemed to have many friends growing up, at least that were my age. I guess it was simply because I was hardly around anybody my age. The church I grew up in during my tween and teen years was a pretty small church with mostly adults. While I didn’t have many, there was always a friend around right when I needed one, whether it be a friend from that small church, a neighbor, or a family member.

Now, roughly five years later, and I feel like I have all kinds of friends. People at church. People I hang out with. It’s nice to feel like I have friends, but the funny thing is, I’ve only felt like I had friends within the past few months. Why, you ask? I don’t really know, to be honest.

Perhaps it was my definition of a friend. See, for me, a friend has always been someone you can confide in. Someone who can confide in you. You both know and trust each other well enough that it won’t go any further than that. A friend is also someone I believe that you can be honest with. It’s when you’re not afraid to tell them how it is, and vice versa.

So judging from this stand point, I haven’t really had any friends. Save one or two. There just haven’t been many people I have truly felt like they were a friend. But, I now believe there are different levels of friendships, and that’s where I made the error of assuming I had no friends. Perhaps in reality, I did indeed have friends, but I didn’t think of them that way.

It’s so crazy how much I have changed, and looking back, there are so many things that I thought incorrectly. But it was more than not thinking I didn’t have friends, besides the definition from above.

I simply didn’t believe that I was wanted. I didn’t think that anybody really wanted me around, and that they were simply ‘Putting up with me’. I now see that the issue was caused not by what I believed to be true, but from insecurity. I was so insecure that I didn’t believe I was really worth the time of day, or that anybody cared about what I had to say, or do. It seems silly now to think about it. But at the time, it was a very lonely place.

But still, even now, I’m still asking the question, “Do I really have friends”? I truly believe that I do have friends, that I always have. But while being insecure and going too extreme to say I had no friends, I’m afraid I have gone too far in the opposite direction. Perhaps there are people I consider friends, that are actually not.

How can I tell if someone is a friend? How can I tell if someone is an enemy? And how can I tell if someone is something in-between?

I don’t really know. When I was insecure, I never wanted to make the mistake of assuming that someone was a friend, when they wasn’t. Now, I find myself asking, “Are there people I assume are my friends, when they really aren’t”? I really don’t know. I would like to think they’re all my friends. That I’m genuinely wanted around. That if I wasn’t there, if I moved away or quit hanging out, that they would miss me. I don’t know, perhaps there is still some insecurity left.

There’s another part of me, that doesn’t care. The part that knows I am wanted and loved by God, and He is all that I need. That I would rather have a few good friends, than a lot of fake ones.

I really don’t know if there are people who don’t like me, or just put up with me. If so, that’s okay. It doesn’t really matter. If I have foes, that’s okay too. If I have frenemies, people who are somewhere in-between, that’s fine as well.

In the end, I am called to love people, even if they don’t love me back. That’s what real love is anyway right? Loving without expecting or needing it to be reciprocated, or needing anything in return. And if I have enemies out there, if God is for me, who can be against me?

Maybe it’s best, not to live life trying to please people, trying to fit in, trying not to make enemies. It’s when you simply be yourself, that you will be happiest, and you can’t please everybody. In pleasing one, you’ll offend another. That’s why it’s better to please and serve God, rather than man.

 

Honestly

 

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Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing. Life is such a funny thing.  We all start this journey called life, being allowed only one go at it. You get one shot, and then that’s it. No do overs.

Honestly, I’m tired of lying to myself. I’m tired of pretending like everything’s okay and great when it’s not. It’s not always okay. It’s not always great. Of course there are days that it is. Days where everything just goes my way and I’m full of pep and energy and ready to take on the day. But there are those days I don’t want to do anything but stay home and eat food and watch Netflix. I’m tired of trying to be perfect. I always try to say the right thing. Be the right person. Have all the answers. But I don’t. And I’m not.

Honestly, I love comedy. And that’s usually because I’d rather be distracted and laughing than to face whatever is bothering me on a given day. If I say something silly or stupid in a conversation it’s usually for the same reasons. I just don’t think I could survive without some humor here and there.

Honestly, when I’m in an awkward situation or something is brought up I don’t want to talk about, I play dumb. I usually just pretend to have no idea what anyone is talking about. On occasions I actually may not know what anyone is talking about, so it’s good either way. And if I’m not sure if someone is joking or not, I go along with it, which usually makes me look like I’m incredibly gullible. But that’s better than laughing at someone when they’re serious, right?

Honestly, I often wonder what people think about me. Do they like me? Or just put up with me. Do they think I’m naive or immature? How do they interpret the way I present myself and the way I respond to things? Maybe I’m just over thinking it.

Everywhere I go, it’s like I’m looking through a window. I can see everything and everyone, but I’m not a part of any of it. I’m merely a spectator.

Honestly, I often feel lonely. I have God, family, and some friends, and yet I still feel that way sometimes. It’s as if I don’t really belong anywhere. It’s like no one understands me. Everywhere I go, it’s like I’m looking through a window. I can see everything and everyone, but I’m not a part of any of it. I’m merely a spectator.

Honestly, I love deep conversations. I don’t even know how to explain what a deep conversation is, just that they exist, and I really enjoy them, although they are few and far in between. It’s always so good to have that person or persons you can go to and talk about anything with. It’s quite calming, and it helps tremendously to get things off your chest that you can’t talk to most people about.

Honestly, I have no idea how people live life without God. God loves me even in all my mess and confusion, and it’s crazy how much of a load that takes off. I know that I am nothing by myself, and that He’s the whole reason I’m here.

Honestly, the only thing that matters is you and God. Be true to yourself, and then you can be true to everyone else.