So, I lied. Sorry about that. I looked back at my last post, which was at the end of 2019, where I said a New Year’s resolution of mine would be to blog more often. Yet here I am in September of 2020 writing my first post of the year. I almost laughed when I read my New Year’s post. If only I knew what 2020 was actually bringing…
…2020 has been a whole new world. Honestly it is a world I don’t want. Fear, chaos, and pain seems to be the only thing in sight. Hatred, deception, and attacks from the enemy on a level never before seen in my entire life. Not that 24 years is a very long time, but you get the point.
So let’s cut to the chase. I am relieved to be able to even write about this, even though I am very nervous to do so. The spiritual warfare I experienced last year was nothing, nothing compared to this year. I experienced a darkness hovered over me to a degree I have never known. Isolation both was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was that it allowed the Lord to reveal to me sooooo many issues I hadn’t realized were still there. The curse was I felt isolated and alone, a victim of fear and torment. It has been one of the most hopeless years in my existence.
There are far too many issues to discuss here, but I will boil it down to one theme that has been in my life even since I was young, and that theme is Fear. Fear has been in my life in one way or another, hiding in the shadows, masquerading as wisdom, just so subtly being involved in my decision making. I feel like it was like in the movies where there is always that one person who everyone thinks is good but is actually a spy, a sabotager, a shape shifter, never being able to be seen as they really are. In my life he is called Fear. He paints a picture of negative thinking and hopelessness that things will never be better, that I will never become the full potential of the man God has called me to be. We sing songs how fear is a liar, yet I still listened.
In 2018 I was free, and so passionate and in love with Jesus. He showed me even then my issue with fear, which led me to do anything I was afraid of. Becoming open about chronic illness, dreaming big, all the way to going to school to become a nurse. The life and joy I had was amazing, almost unexplainable. I was free from the past, just living my best life. Mid-2019 that all changed. Why was this happening? I began having issues with thoughts, and fear again. It happened off and on, but ultimately was settled by the end of 2019.
This year I have been confronted with an issue going back to my teenage years. What is that? Sexuality. If you throw fear and sexuality in a blender, you get a drink of confusion and hopelessness. I never knew confusion like I knew in 2020. I now realize a big part of my problem was that I never had anyone to have open, honest, healthy conversations about sexuality with me from a biblical perspective. I never had open, honest, healthy conversations about sexuality with anyone in any way really. That left me to conclude things on my own. My teenage years were filled with pain, confusion, and shame. I felt shame for being a male. I hated myself. What were these feelings I was having? Why was I broken? Nobody else has issues with lust or whatever these feelings are for sure. It’s only me. I want to serve God, but how can I even say this with these issues?
I used to think that marriage would solve any issues involving this, but I have been disappointed to find out it does not. I am so thankful that earlier this year I listened to teaching from Kris Vallotton, from Bethel Church in Redding, California. He has so much biblical teaching on sexuality. I bought his book, Moral Revolution, as well as the 40 day devotional. It has truly helped, but I am still learning how to implement what I have learned. No one told me that having a sex drive was normal. No one told me that it doesn’t go away. I am 24 years old and I feel like I am finally having to learn so many things I should have known years ago. Shame and confusion tore apart my soul. I tried everything as a teenager to stop the feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I would imagine hurting myself. It was an issue I was so lost in it caused me to want to just give up probably hundreds of times. Now of course this wasn’t constant. I would have several months at a time where everything was just fine. I was just so free and overjoyed to find freedom in 2018.
Why did I lose that freedom? I realize that it was so easy when I experienced the love of God, and began walking in His ways. Seeking him in His word, prayer, and worship. Yet when everything hit again, I just expected to be able to say a prayer and He would rescue me. A few weeks ago, however, He hit me with the truth. Crying out over and over for Him to help me, it was as if I was on my own. I never was though. It’s like He was saying the whole time, and I could feel it sometimes, that He has already given me everything I need to overcome. His Word. His Holy Spirit. God has not created me to live as a victim, in bondage, but He calls me his child.
I had a big moment of repentance just a few weeks ago. Repenting for allowing and listening to fear, but also for being lazy. Yes lazy. I just wanted Him to set me free in an instant. Wonderful, Godly people at church would encourage me to use His word to combat fear, but I never did, until I realized that this was a battle God wants me to be involved proactively. The book of Nehemiah is that of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. They prayed but there was work to be done. To rebuild what is broken and torn down can take time, but God is faithful.
In my brokenness, I am beginning to have an honest assessment and evaluation of my life. God hasn’t left me to stay this way. He is the potter and I am the clay. He has a life for me I can’t even imagine, as well making me to be a true Man After His Own Heart. I want to be a man that loves like Jesus. I want to be a man that will honor, love, respect, and cherish my (future) wife. I am proclaiming and applying His word over myself day by day. I can see such a difference from when this year started, but I know there is still a ways to go.
I used to live a life expecting to die. Chronic illness had taught me to expect that. I liked to think that way though. Never having to worry about maturing and being involved with issues I didn’t want to face. Fear of failure and mistakes always kept me hesitant from stepping out in faith. I got a tattoo recently. I never wanted to get a tattoo just to get one, but I saw myself with one, and ended up getting it. It says TAKE COURAGE. God hasn’t called me to be a coward, but to be a Man of Courage. This tattoo is so meaningful to me, and a reminder to Take Courage every single day. To settle in and no matter how many times I get knocked down, I can get back up.
The battle belongs to the Lord.
Joshua Stidham 